Tag Archive | Stream of Consciousness

So Far Have I Come…Stream of Consciousness

So far have I sojourned on this side of existence, yet most days I feel that I’m yet to begin. I feel as if the path before me is longer than the routes I have walked. As if the mountains to climb are higher with many more rivers to wade through.

So far have I come from the long-limbed, tall, awkward, bookwormish, scared, young unassuming ‘yes’ girl who internalized the pain and confusion of abuse, to the feisty, outspoken and confident mature woman that I’m today.

It’s two days to my birthday and I find that I’m always in an introspective mood several days to my birthday. I find myself reviewing things in my head and asking myself some cliched questions like ‘does life truly begin at 40?’

Well, my life’s calendar has hit 40 and heading way into the middle and these are my thoughts so far; it’s taken me 40+ years to decipher ‘who I am’ and I certainly like this human that I’m evolving into. It so happens that I didn’t find my true passion earlier than my 40’s and I oscillated from one career pursuit to the other. Now that I know what I know, I don’t have time to waste in the pursuit of things that steal my peace and waste my time.

With these years of experience, harsh reality has taught me that it’s possible to be viewed as overqualified and too old for certain job opportunities – my personal experience was a rude shock that took days to assimilate.

So far, I’ve discovered a sense of belonging to myself, to a God within me and to let go of what the world thinks and meeting its ever-changing barometers.

So far, I understand that I’m halfway to the finish line, that life and death begin together and that each day the more we are alive, the closer we are to death, thus each day has to count and my best life is now – not yesterday, not tomorrow.

For me, 40+ is just a precursor to better years of adventures to begin. So far, so good. How are you holding up so far?

Written for SoCS – so far

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I Am Not Fine! Stream of Consciousness Saturday

Fine. What does it really mean to be fine? Can I truly from the depth of my spirit say that I’m fine? Or is it just a superficial response to ‘how are you,’ so that I don’t make anyone feel discomfited by my true response which I suppose would be ‘heck no, I feel all raggedy and angry a lot lately.’

I wouldn’t even know where to start with my venting but here goes ‘ I’m not fine with the fact that my body does not want to age like fine wine.’ I have deep aches and pains from Fibromyalgia that not only causes discomfort but makes me grumpy a lot of times when the pain flares up.

I’m not fine with the fact that at this juncture in life I’m still struggling hard to get my dream of being an accomplished writer and blogger kick-started.

I’m not fine that the basic needs of life are still a huge hustle and that if I don’t work as hard as I do, I would probably be one pay cheque to destitution.

I’m not fine with the fact that I want to go back to school to obtain a degree in Writing & Publishing but that aspiration is still a pipe dream due to lack of finance.

I’m not fine that I’m grumbly and I feel ashamed at the deep-seated feeling of dissatisfaction that has found its way to wedge in my soul in recent times.

I’m not fine with the status quo and not prepared to keep quiet about it. I believe that to find a solution to a situation, you’ve got to be willing to bring it out into the open air and look at it candidly. Phew! I feel better just letting some of these thoughts out.

La di la, in all honesty, life is a struggle and not fine and dandy for many of us but it’s up to us to take a good look at our issues and to make extra efforts to live a fine life.

SoCS prompt – Fine

Life REsolutions…Stream of Consciousness Saturday

I am resolved to stop having any highfalutin new year resolutions but to simply slam the door to an ending year, to open the cover of life each day in the new year and immerse myself fully in its pages.

Of course, I always set goals for myself and I have a backlog of goals that I would love to achieve and working out in my head which new projects to¬†focus on. I’m not ashamed to say that most of those goals are following me from 2017 to 2018. I used to go on a guilt-trip and whip myself hard when I set resolutions and failed to achieve them till I realized that I was doing myself more harm than good. Ever since I started my journey to a better me, my perspective shifted and I’m happier for it.

2017 has been an eventful year for most of us and I am glad that we survived it. ‘Survived’ is the key word here. Life is beautiful, but also unpredictable. I started 2017 on a high note and ended somewhat on ‘meh and bleh’ note, however, it doesn’t take away my enthusiasm that 2018 will be filled with an abundance of grace, blessings and mercy for us.

Here’s to better life (re)solutions and a joy-filled 2018.

On another note, I’ve totally missed writing my SoCS posts, time kept running away with me, but I hope that changes soon enough.

#SoCS Resolutions

Don’t Keep Me Guessing…

Guessing can be cruel in relationships and I don’t like guessing games even if I sound like Scar in Lion King. This especially pertains to how someone feels.

I won’t leave you guessing how I feel. I say it as it is to me. Sometimes I guess I may be wrong, but I would rather bring it out in the open and we deal with it.

I don’t want you to expect me to guess how you feel and my assumption is that if you expect me to guess how you feel, that means you are either not sure of your feelings or simply don’t feel anything.

I’ve reached a stage in my life where I crave certainty and don’t want to keep second-guessing who, where what, why and every which way and I am working hard to give myself some of that certainty even though we all know that no one knows what tomorrow will bring but we can rightly guess that there will be a tomorrow and the Sun will shine.

Why I say it can be cruel in relationships to leave the other party constantly guessing where they stand, is because it leaves them open to making all the wrong assumptions. A lot of times perception is more powerful than reality and the mind has a way of extrapolating things beyond its right measure which can damage a relationship over time.

So, please leave the guess work at the door of our friendship. When I hurt your feelings let it out and give me a chance to apologize otherwise, guess what? Use the door and close it firmly behind you.

Jacqueline

Linda told me to guess. #SoCS

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