Tag Archive | humor

Ladies, Ladies, No Squabbling Please…

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”Talk to the hand!” ‘Patra hissed at Delilah in a vexed tone.

”What’s with you girl?” Delilah feigned ignorance and asked in her pretentious calm voice.

”How dare you try to steal my customers for yourself?’‘ ‘Patra continues with her tirade as she accused Delilah:

”Do you think that I did not see you batting your bald eyelashes at them and you dare to stand and pretend as if butter wouldn’t melt in your mouth?”

”But I…” Delilah tries to get a word in..

”Sheesh! Just keep your buts to yourself” ‘Patra practically growled.

”We may be confined to sharing this fashion space, but know this and know it well! This is my turf! No encroaching on my customers, you wannabe! Except I decide that I am not interested in them, you can then try to charm them with your oily and smooth ways the way you must have confused the manager to allow you jump three steps up from the back of the shop to the prized show glass.”

For the first time in ages, Delilah is really ticked off. She has had enough of being the underdog and in raised voice she said:

”Listen up Patra! Delilah hissed back. ”I have had it with your uppity, bullish ways. If you have bones to pick with the Manager, feel free to go and do so.”

”It is not my problem that you don’t want to share the limelight with someone else. I am here now! Deal with it!”

”Besides, who actually appointed you the queen of this runway, if I may ask?”

They were getting all hot and ready to have a full-fledged shouting match…when Jerry the male mannequin bellowed at them.

”Girls, girls, calm down.” ”No fighting or gouging out your eyes!”

You will frighten potential customers away!” He chastised. ”That will surely earn both of you a relegation to the store.”

”Come on ladies, try and work together for pity’s sake.” He muttered as he sub-consciously ran a check over his suit to ensure that it was lint-free.

© Jacqueline Oby-Ikocha

DAY 4

Jennifer at INK and QUILL has invited me to participate in 5 day photo story challenge.

Challenge Guidelines:

Post a picture each day, for five consecutive days. Attach a story to your image.

*can be fiction / non-fiction
*poem / short paragraph
*each day nominates another blogger

I invite afairymind  a fabulous blogger and story teller, to join the photo story challenge. I look forward to reading from you if you choose to participate. Enjoy 🙂

 

 

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The First Date…Bridegroom Wanted Urgently!

couples in love

Tess took another quick peek at the mirror of her compact powder.

No, there’s no dodgy piece of green stuff stuck on any dentition.

Yes, her lip gloss still shimmered.

Her hair still looked healthy and soft; every strand was in the right place.

A bit of powdering to stop any shiny nose, a second look at the slender wrist watch and it was time to go into the restaurant.

It hadn’t been easy sitting out the past fifteen minutes in her car waiting for the appropriate time to step in. She had tortured herself with all manners of imagined dating debacles.

Any respectable young lady shouldn’t turn up for a first date ahead of the time agreed with the guy, she remembered Kate’s advise. It would make her appear too desperate.

Striking a balance is just the right thing. Ten or Fifteen minutes after the scheduled time, then you stroll in leisurely, in controlled steps with just the right amount of swagger to the hips.

Thistle Bar, just the right kind of place for a first time online hook-up. It was her first time in there and it was quite decent.

It was a high street casual bar which was not too high end pricey and not too drive thru junk-food kind of place. Just a balance of both.

He had said he would be wearing a coffee coloured shirt and she told him that she would be wearing fushia. He hadn’t known what fushia looked like precisely, so she had sent a picture of the dress.

It was one of her best colours and lovely dress hugged her curves in the right places.

That must be him, as a pair of eager eyes lit up in her direction. The face looked recognizable and the shirt was dark coffee coloured.

She picked her way past a few rows of seated customers, a tentative smile plastered on her face.

As she approached him, he stood up like a gentleman and Tess’s heart sank to the bottom of her peep toe heeled sandals.

He was not tall by any standard whatsoever! As a matter of fact, in her opinion, he was hugely short.

She quickly ran through her mind, checking to determine if she had seen an indication of height on his bio.

Was height not important? Was it mentioned or not mentioned? She couldn’t remember but her hopes had just received it’s first dashing.

She liked her men tall and had never dated a guy shorter than herself before.

Patrick was fairly an okay character. He even made her smile a couple of times, but there was absolutely no spark – at least on her own side.

The meet-up was not a bad one at all, though she could not afford to eat out often, but hey, if you want to eat omelet, you have to crack some eggs.

She doubted very much if there would be a repeat date. He didn’t ask and she didn’t suggest.

To be continued. Part 1 Part 2

© Jacqueline Oby-Ikocha

As you know, I like to excavate other neighbours treasures and I offer some to you today 🙂

Would you be interested by Karuna

1 deadly sin for writers by Thomas M. Watt

When random acts find you by izzyasabee

Grammar time from Meg Sorick gave a chuckle or two.

What are we afraid of? From Jennifer Calvert

These 71 tips to awesome blogging that I found in Danny’s patch is awesome.

4 things to avoid doing in your relationships by Wellnessworx

Help from my friends by anonymous outsider.

Feeling confident as a woman from Femininematerz

This visit by Kelly made me smile 🙂dancers1

Have a beautiful day today my peeps.

Now, lets take a moment and dance.

At your own risk ‘cos I kick scary butts!….

Kicking ass

There is no one in the room with me, except my lazy feeling self, the quarreling voices in my head telling me to ignore you, WordPress and the television which I have put on mute to dispel all the bad news floating in and disrupting my creative juices; though I like the flickering bursts of colour so I leave it on.

It’s fun at times to look at the yammering lips on TV, not hearing what they are saying, using your imagination to figure it out and laughing at nothing – please don’t think I am crazy, just the creative juice in overload today.

I am home alone and I can tell you I am tougher than Macaulay Culkin, so don’t get any ideas of sneaking in!!

The children and their Papa should be stepping back in pretty soon and they can terrorize with well aimed bites, kicks, ladles, pots and pans; you have been forewarned!

So, I will have well fortified backup even though I trust my screeching techniques well enough.

Any attempt for any fear or scary stuff to sneak in, is at it’s own peril!

I am amply armed with my heavy wielding bible, my certified holy water that will turn you into mush in a sprinkle of an eye, my gleaming prayer beads and a nice weighty crucifix for beating sound sense into the scare source for attempting to give me nervous breakdown.

Maybe, I should quickly place an order for chainsaw – the Chinese are known to deliver rapidly, what do you think? Getting more gory right?

Well, I have advertised my ammunition at no price.

Should you, FEAR, venture to come in, a crucifix bludgeon, a screech with bible quotes, a hasty recital of the beads and a sprinkle in the eye and you will be transformed magically, finding yourself pressed willy-nilly into the church choir!

Well now, this is the silliest prompt response I have given so far, to a repetitive prompting.

This prompt about fear was addressed in a roundabout way just a few days ago and this was my response.

Now let me go and bring my casserole out for dinner.

Goodnight and don’t let the bed bugs bite 😉

© Jacqueline Oby-Ikocha

In response to The Daily Post prompt 1984

You’re locked in a room with your greatest fear. Describe what’s in the room.

Nothing to be Tricked about…

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This prompt is a bit difficult to sink my teeth into, but I am going to try to teleport back to the States for the trick a treating.

Halloween is still novelty and at infantile stage here in the United Arab Emirates, even though I saw some costumes and scary masks displayed in the shops, I observed that it is mainly people of Western culture that ventured to those aisles.

With the insularity of inhabitants in this place, my presumption is that the parents will be filling their children’s candy bags themselves. I am doubtful that there will be much knocking on doors going on.

On the other hand, let me let you in on a secret, if the truth be told, we African Nations are not particularly fond of celebrating Halloween.

Ha! It almost seems as if we are inviting the trouble of the dead and buried by doing so 😉

Hei! Biko kwa! (I speak in my vernacular to help you understand the seriousness of the affair), why would we want to go invoking the spirit of the dead who should be resting very well in peace?

Mbanu!

May All the Saints please remain nicely hallowed in their allotted portions at the cemetery.

Nonetheless, since I like the kids in the neighbourhood, if I were in the States, I shall spare them some candies the following day when all the saints have gone back quietly to their various abodes 😉

Enjoy the short skit below.

Quick Glossary:

Ha! An exclamation in this case meaning ‘What!’

Hei! Another exclamation like ‘Oh dear’

Biko kwa: Please/I beg your pardon.

Mbanu. NO, indeed!

© Jacqueline Oby-Ikocha

In response to The Daily Post prompt Trick or Trick

Let’s imagine it’s Halloween, and you just ran out of candy. If the neighborhood kids (or anyone else, really) were to truly scare you, what trick would they have to subject you to?

A Comic Race to the White house…

White house

One seat, too many feet!

Trampling on toes, ready to defeat,

Like Badgers and Otters!

We watch as they dance to the beat.

One politician barks and takes painful bites,

Armed thoughts with flying spittle, laden down for a fight,

Indeed it is quite a sight!

In mad glee the thatch flies off the hook,

It’s plain to see there’s not much in his nook!

From too many tweets,

Not very discreet,

One politician tells tall tales,

It’s difficult to tell,

Which side of the face to face,

There is drought in this place!

One politician sleeps on his feet,

It’s a wonder what will happen to the seat?

Will he slumber?

Like a lumber?

This is simply, just not it!

One politician reckons since there’s no anarchy,

Maybe it’s my turn, let’s form a monarchy,

O! It’s tiring to watch the entire malarkey!

© Jacqueline Oby-Ikocha

In response to The Daily Prompt Snark Bombs, Away

Try your hand at parody or satire — take an article, film, blog post, or song you find misguided, and use humor to show us how. 

My Clandestine Lover…

Clandestine lover

I have a very daring lover,
He sneaks to visit when everyone is away,
Most times in the dead of the night,
Afraid of being caught in the dastardly act,

Day after day,
When all lights are off,
He sneaks into my room,
For a nibble and he suckles from me,

I tried to warn him,
Of the danger of this escapades,
But he wouldn’t listen,
He only itched some more,

Last night he visited,
Just one more time he said,
To say goodbye and move on,
To more welcoming and robust pastures,

Unfortunately, for the guy,
My husband caught him,
Right in the middle of the act,
As he suckled greedily,
To his utmost delight,

One big swat,
And down he went,
Sluggish from all the blood,
He had stolen from me,

My Mosquito King is dead!
No more night marauding,
For this pesky one 🙂

Get your minds straightened out, naughty people 🙂

© Jacqueline Oby-Ikocha

 

Image Credit: Tristan and Iseult depicted by Edmund Blair Leighton; courtesy Wikipedia.

The Burglar….

Rat-Burglar1”Why?” I moan in despair to myself.

“Why didn’t I arrange for his assassination?” I ask in perplexed wonder.

“Now, he has got the best of my lot.”

”The one that I saved for the best moments.”

”My cultured one!”

”My thoroughbred of the highest pedigree!”

”The one that makes onlookers utter goodness me in divine visual pleasure.”

”Oh why?” I moan yet again in distress.

”All my efforts to get her away from him, just came to naught.”

”The first time he visited, I knew he was trouble.”

”I moved her away, in a bid to separate the two and divert his attention.”

”Yet, lovestruck was he.” ”He kept visiting, again and again.”

”And my malleable, cultured one sat pretty in her revered position.”

”Waiting for the right time to come down from her esteemed pedestal.”

”To entertain the rich and noble.”

”Oh why?” My seething frustration goes up a notch.

”Why didn’t I take her away to a hidden destination?”

”Why didn’t I simply get rid of that vagabond?”

”That good for nothing, never do well!”

”Now he has run off with her!”

”Not even a morsel spared for me.”

”That RAT!

”He stole my Moose Cheese.”

© Jacqueline Oby-Ikocha

Image Credit: Nu borrelia