Tag Archive | doubt

So, what is the alternative? Personal – Writers Quote Challenge

If the truth is to be told, it is hard to stay thankful and grateful in the face of suffering and sometimes I silently question how Job withstood his painful ordeals without grumbling. Didn’t his heart even murmur a bit?invitation-shel-silverstein

For many months I’ve tried not to dwell on negativity, to remain thankful in everything because the truth is that the alternative to ingratitude sows bitter seeds of discord and cynicism, but in the past few weeks it’s been a struggle to stay upbeat and sometimes I feel as if I am a fraud spouting thankful words that are not deep-seated within my soul.

My rancour comes from watching a beloved young family member deteriorate healthwise – my younger sisters husband is battling an invasive brain tumour and sometimes I feel so afraid that we are fighting a losing battle. Such thoughts simply make my heart stop in fear and my prayers clog my throat. It is hard!

I remember watching my father decline from Cancer and the pain of watching his pain broke my heart many times over. Yet, through all his struggles, he remained stoic, never voicing a word of grumble and held his Faith through it all.

Sometimes, I wondered where he got such grace in the face of such adversity and I remember this quote that he shared with me,

I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn’t, than live as if there isn’t and to die to find out that there is – Albert Camus

This quote has stuck in my head and always comes up when I’m between the hard rocks of fear, doubt and dwindling faith. It reminds me, that during the times of tribulation, are the times to hold on tighter. Though the difficult season may seem insurmountable, thankfulness lightens the burden of one’s load and I remind myself not to let go of gratitude especially when troubled.

© Jacqueline Oby-Ikocha

Please join us for the reconvened Writer’s Quote Challenge that Bernadette, Haddons Musings and I have started. We would love to have you with us. Check this link for details.

Advertisements

Midnight Motivations and Musings 109…

picsart_09-18-03-24-171

The niggling doubts that hound our efforts are the enemy of our progress and once undue attention is paid to such doubts, fear sets in.

It’s natural to question and think through a project that you want to embark on, but our reasoning and decisions have to be taken from a logical standpoint.

Like my people would say ‘not everything that crawls on its belly is a snake,’ in other words, not every doubt that comes up is worth the time of the day. Keeping focused may be difficult but it’s worth the while to keep one’s eyes on the objectives.

Over the past few months, I’ve had struggles, but I’ve refused to let these struggles define nor stop me and each day, the burden of doubt reduces.

Jacqueline


out-of-the-silent-breath 2

Let us PRAY…

Prayer

We thank you Lord for days and times such as these ones;

For your constant shield through life’s challenges.

You raise us, from deep places of despair, doubt and regret;

To higher grounds of Faith, Grace and Hope.

From places of discontentment;

To the overflow of fulfillment.

May our tedious tests become uplifting testimonies.

May the meditation of our hearts and mouths;

Be acceptable before you Lord.

May your blessings that come from the Deep and the Four winds;

Be ours today and always.

Amen.

Prayer 2

Jacqueline Oby-Ikocha

The other one…

I met her!

At long last!

Now, I can satisfy my curiosity and also put my aching desire to rest.

I fidgeted as we stood in the quiet restaurant sizing each other up. She was calm.

I had chosen an exclusive restaurant, to give our brains an opportunity to assimilate each others presence,

without getting consumed in the distractions that comes from the busy-ness of a crowded place.

My stomach was filled with butterflies. I could almost feel the rushing flow of my blood in my veins.

This was a  moment that I had thought of all my conscious life.

The when? The what if? The how?

I felt that meeting her would be a glorious turning point in my stable life.

We would cry, laugh and take selfies.

We would talk non-stop to cover so much ground.

I came clutching the photo album, that I had put together.

I needed to slay my demons and I felt that she had the sword.

Finally, she would bring some rainbow and sunshine,

into the deepest parts of me that had lived for 27 years with the question; WHAT IF?

I wanted to get rid of that feeling of rejection; that feeling of inadequacy and doubt,

which had been constant shadowy companions, peeking over my shoulders.

I searched her eyes,

They were gray like mine; but they bore no warmth in their depths.

The curve of her lips which were shaped like mine; drew hard on the elegant E-cigarette which adorned her lips,

yet they could hardly shape into a smile.

Her raven black hair was devoid of any grey hairs. No strand was out of place. She was perfectly groomed.

She was still a very attractive woman; for her age.

I subconsciously smoothed down my floral Sunday best. I had dressed to impress.

Her facial features were stiff; I figured that it was due to the use of botox and not just the harshness of life.

A puff and a sip later,

Without much ado, she dove right into the matter.

I think you are grown up enough to understand, she said.

You came when I was least prepared to have a child, and the truth is that I am still not sure that I want that responsibility. I have never had motherly instincts, and at my age, I should know. I agreed to meet with you after all these years because I felt that was the least that I could do; so that you can move on.

I do not apologize for my decision to let you go. I did what I did because it was the best thing for me.

Does that make me selfish? Maybe?

But, look at you! You turned out very well. I am happy about that.

She picked up the tab, picked up her expensive looking leather pocket book and walked out of the revolving door,

without a backward glance. Only the whiff of her perfume and the trailing puff of her smoke lingered for a while.

I sat in utmost silence and bewilderment for quite a bit.

I polished off the remaining Cabernet Sauvignon as my idling brain struggled to process the entire episode.

For some reason, I did not feel a heavy crash of disappointment.

Some odd sense of burdened release seemed to be my most paramount feeling.

I felt like a captive whose shackles had been released. Free to love freely,

the woman who has nurtured me all these years, without any sense of guilt or boundaries.

I realized what my biological mother was,

a mere vehicle that providence used to bring me here.

That a good moment of feeling sexy and conception,

Did not automatically make you a good mother.

Through the figment of my imagination, that I had built over the years,

I had accorded so much what if’s and possibilities to her.

I was happy that I met her.

Happy to have the what if’s, the how and the when answered,

All in one fell swoop.

I may not have slain all my demons,

But I left my doubts and shadowy companions,

back in that exclusive restaurant.

I went home to my mother, my mum.

Jacqueline Oby-Ikocha