The semi-circle slow turn showed off the graceful flow of her jalabiya, albeit she wasn’t satisfied with the way her rolls stayed prominent. Reema harbours a love and hate relationship with her abayas. They did their best to conceal the bulge of indulgence, yet constantly reminded her of her ever-shifting shape that spread like butter left out in the Summer sun.
Flopping down on the pink sofa, she flipped through the pages of The Weekend woman, sighed in resignation and popped another sweet meat into her mouth. Delicious and warm, the taste of the succulent morsel gave her joy.
Maybe she should go shopping, she thought. Retail therapy of buying pretty things always made her happy for a little while. How did she let her weight get out of control? Would she ever lose it and look trim again? She didn’t trust Khalid with the help especially the new one Nadia – many a times, she caught him casting lascivious looks at Nadia’s bubble butt that tended to quiver with each step she took. Reema’s musings tumbled over each other and chose to zoom in on her husbands’ recent fascination.
Nowadays, his slumberous thick-lashed dark eyes held a mischievous glint in them and her assumptions of what it meant was giving her sleepless nights. Biting into another piece of spicy meat, she hoped that his attraction to Nadia will not be as fatal as his previous tryst. She truly abhorred driving to the desert to dump a lifeless body.
Tess sifted through dozens of photographs of possible date matches. It was a surprise to discover an entire World of supposed eligible bachelors out there.
Putting up her own profile was a task she hadn’t expected to be that demanding. Her attempt to make a headline grabber, the right smile, the right amount of information was not as simple as she had thought.
The increased pings of her messenger for her new dating account, increased her excited nerves even though she still had trepidation about the whole thing, especially with the list of do’s and don’ts Kate had mentioned to her.
It was almost beginning to sound like an espionage escapade.
”Make sure you have a pepper spray handy!”
”Set up a separate email account.”
”Don’t give out your address or house number.”
”If need be, invest in a stun gun!” ”What? I don’t want to go shooting anyone!” She had shrieked.
”Only meet them at a public place.”
”Use spiked drink detector nail polish, so you don’t find yourself suddenly floating along with all his requests.”
”Don’t allow kisses on the first date.”
”No going to apartments for a night cafe etc, etc.”
”Make eye contacts as you talk to him.” ”If they are shifty, don’t trust him!”
Blah, yadda, blah, blah..
Whats a girl’s to do when she needs to do to find her prince in these tough times, she thought to herself?
These days, the competition was stiffer.
The good guys were all grabbed and even a lot of very delicious looking ones were into other dudes.
She still recalled her utmost disappointment when she had moved in and met the very polite handsome Latino hunk of a male specimen living downstairs, Steve; he was equally taken by another interesting looking bloke!
This one doesn’t look so bad, she mused to herself as she stared at the face on her laptop. He had such a sincere, earnest, open look and not too bad looking as well. His bio also read well.
”Nothing ventured, nothing gained”, she muttered to herself as she clicked the button to initiate a chat.
”I cannot afford to live through the debacle of another uncoupled birthday with my folks.”
”I’d rather buy a ticket to Mexico than go through that embarrassing episode again.”
How could Mama invite Deaconess Elfrida’s son, Humphrey to pair up with me?
He is such a sanctimonious and pompous ass!
Auntie Virginia had kept rattling on and on in her persnickety high-pitched voice on ”Tips of how to catch a guy.” A most mortifying moment.
”Time for hair touch-up girl”, She thought, as she idly fingered her locks.
This was meant to go out last week Saturday, but I couldn’t bring myself to send it out in the light of recent activities and in that time, I have found more gems in my neighbours garden. Do take a peek with me.
After hours of journey on bumpy, dusty roads, arriving his village was euphoric for Ikem.
Mama did a little praise dance when she saw him, and did some more praise-singing, showering him with edifying names when he brought out the things that he came back with.
Friends and cousins equally returned, it would be a good time.
He went greeting kith and kin, strategically launching his new clothes and holding his phone conspicuously for all to see. It’s show time for everyone and he has no intention of being the poorest looking cousin.
Christmas Eve’s night service was a hit as usual. A gathering of old, new, returnees and home bound indigenes. It is doubtful that half of the people at the church service came for the prayers.
Sweethearts fell back in the dark shadows of twilight to hold hands and whisper sweet nothings.
Young rascally boys scared the maidens by tossing penny banger’sin their direction, their squeals of fright an entertainment for them.
It’s a dreamy time of the year, lavishly spent relaxing, binge eating, showing off, going to look at and running from the masquerades, attending a lot of social events….
Eligible young men returned seeking handpicked brides from their villages.
Marriageable girls strut their stuff at Obodo Ukwu, Obodo Ububo and everywhere the opportunity rose, to attract proposals from the city boys.
Hi-Life music blares into the air till the wee hours of the night. Nuptial introductions and lots of traditional marriages are constantly taking place in one clan or the other.
Mama wants to know when Ikem would choose a wife. In fact, her heart and eyes were set on one of Ifemeka’s daughters Kanyinulia.
From Mama’s assessment, the girl is quite sturdy, with nice child-bearing hips, very industrious and pretty too! She makes her thoughts known to Ikem.
”Nna, have you seen Ozo Ifemeka’s daughter Kanyinulia?” ”That girl will make a good wife for you.” ”It is my thought that we should express our interest in her to her family.” ”Her mother is a good friend too you know..”
”Ha! Mama, please not now.” ”Maybe in a few years time.” ”Let me get to Onitsha first and see how things go over there.”
”Hei! My son, if we waste time, another family can pick her out for their son o.” ”That girl is a good catch.”
”Mama, let us pray that things go well, then next year, okay?”
He is happy he visited home. His cousin has agreed to accommodate him at Onitsha while he seeks his future.
He joins his age-grade in their outing masquerade dance.
His satisfaction is soul deep. He knows that his future holds brighter times ahead.
Links to earlier parts of the series are at the top of the page.
Quick Glossary:
Banger: small cheap fireworks that make a lot of noise.
Ifemeka: Igbo name which means ‘things have happened.’
Kanyinulia: An Igbo name for a girl which means ‘let us be happy.’
Nna: An Igbo word for ‘father’. Mothers at times fondly call their sons by such pet name.
Obodo Ukwu: ‘The big square’ A social gathering ground where people go to be seen, to see and mingle.
Obodo Ububo: ‘The sweet/fun square’ A social gathering ground where people go to be seen, to see and mingle.
Onitsha: A city with one of the largest commercial markets in West Africa. It is situated on the river port on the eastern bank of the Niger river in Anambra State, southeastern Nigeria.
Ozo: A highly respected title to a worthy male indigene of a village. Not a cheap process.
Its fun to dig in my neighbours gardens and I never come up empty. Links for you to enjoy.
a cooking pot and twisted tales 