The Sharp Drama’s of My Life – Streams of Consciousness Saturday

Sharp contrasting thoughts muddle my mind with sheer self-castigation as I look at the year dwindling to an end and find myself counting the things that I had mentally set out to achieve for myself but find that I fall far short of my own expectations. I started out the year on such a highly motivated note but I guess that I am suffering from battered emotions syndrome. Some are self-induced, while life brought it’s own baggage along. I am seized with the desire to do absolutely nothing almost to the point of it getting scary.

Sharing my thoughts might help to crank up my gears and pull me out of wallowing in shallow thoughts and sheer laziness. I have an attitude that believes in pulling myself out of depressive moods, but for reasons that I can’t put my fingers on, I simply wish to burrow down, dig the hole deeper and just roll in the muddy waters of woe-is-me.

Self-pity has never been my thing otherwise, I would never have survived some of the hard balls life had tossed my way. I find that despair and depression are twins and that most times it’s far easier to give in to the whiny pair than to get up and fight. I find that as a highly motivated, driven person that the bar I set for myself is usually high and that whenever I fall short of these expectations, I feel the burn.

I’m trying to step back and take all the necessary thoughts into account without clouding my mind with any unnecessary feel good feelings or numbing myself with so much work that I’m too tired to think. That is why I deliberately chose not to blog for some days.

Sometimes we have to go through the motions and not bury our emotions otherwise, they will simply fester and actually grow bigger. I’m not making excuses for falling off the wagonΒ and failing to achieve the short goals that I set for myself, I am not making excuses for depression that hits me at times with visceral pain and trying to wave it away with a wand.

I will not try to shake off these Debbie Downer feelings and cut short my low moments because they will simply hibernate and possibly drag their sorry ass selves into my next year. No! I can’t have that.

I am sitting here in my raggedy PJ’s and floppy rabbit slippers, with a carving knife in the shape of a pen. I’m going to cut myself to pieces, bleed, cry into a box of tissues, eat chocolate, drink stale wine, eat chocolates again, watch a soppy MGM movie, cry some more again, cut myself some more until my nose gets bulbous and my eyes are swollen shut from crying tears that cause my shoulders to shake.

I’m not going to look pretty, but I can bet your bottom dollar that I am going to feel marvellous after all the shakeup. Then I’ll patch up the pieces that I shredded.

P.S. Please excuse me for not visiting for a while. My door is shut while I’m going through some drama. I’ll be back shortly.

Yours,

Jacqueline

SoCS – ‘sh’

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64 thoughts on “The Sharp Drama’s of My Life – Streams of Consciousness Saturday

  1. Once you’ve done enough wallowing, you’ll come up for air πŸ™‚ and feel the better for it. The dark nights of the soul come to teach us something important we need to learn. Honour it, respect it, take it apart and choose that which is yours. Grow from it and become stronger. And re-emerge as the beautiful butterfly that you are xxx

    Liked by 5 people

  2. I wish I could say that I don’t understand what you describe here, Jacqueline. Sadly, I believe we all have been in that place. Honor it. It is meant to teach. You will come out of it a wiser, more fulfilled human being. We are here for you. With love and respect, Van. πŸ’˜

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Sometimes i find this time of year when days turns to nite a bit to quick and it is cold.. and the feeling the year is over… brings those debbie downer thoughts to almost everyone..and it is in the air and its contagious. And sometime one jyst has to be abit down and sometimes we are falling ill.. but debbie downers get boring very quickly ..so you will be back stronger and better..

    This too shall pass revealing a new improved you….

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s already passing. Times like this show us our vulnerability as humans and serves to teach us a lot. I’m thankful for the grace to pull through at such struggling times and for friends that I’ve made here. The support is invaluable. Thank you so much and lots of love.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I was feeling the very same thing just a few days back. Sometimes, the insecure, vulnerable part of us gets the better of us but it is okay to not be okay. Every once in a while, the universe reminds us that we’re human. You know, even the graph of our heart beat is a set of zig-zag lines. Everything will fall in place. There is a lot of hope within you and in this world. Just hold on!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’ll be watching for the door to crack open. You’ll stick your head out and say “peek-a-boo.” Then we all rejoice together. Until you are ready keep your head in, take care of your younguns, stay in touch with the All Mighty, and take a good long nap. We will wait.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I will be waiting for your return because you are missed! Awww Jackie, it’s all a part of life, something we all have to go through, and I know you that you are capable of handling moments like these.
    You are in our thoughts…just remember that.
    Love always,
    Dehan

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Jacqueline, we all go through tough challenges. I get the impression you are a strong and level-headed woman. So kick the doldrums in the arse and remember how beautiful are. As my mother used to say “rise up above it”.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I know what you’re going through, Jacqueline, because you’ve described me to a tee. Hang in there, my dear. I’m sincerely glad you pulled it together to write a SoCS post. I hope you got some satisfaction from it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Linda, thank you so much for your concern. It can be tough sometimes but I believe that taking the time to deal with such issues has offered me enormous advantages to clear my head and gain more clarity. I feel much better, thank you and do take care of yourself. SoCS is a blessing πŸ™‚

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  9. Hi I’m new to the blogging life and was wondering if wondering if you could read my work and offer any criticism and follow me I’d appreciate it as i am interested in literature and spoken word and lack a bit of confidence Thank you for your time and have a nice day

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh Jacqui, I hope you are ok. I have had a similar experience recently so can understand how you are feeling.
    We are none of us machines and it is not possible to keep going at such a fast pace without ending up crashing.
    Please take care of you and I hope you are back with us soon xxx

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  11. Dear Jacqueline,
    It just occurred to me I had not seen any recent posts from you and I felt alarmed cos I know this is not like you, so I scrolled back to find this post.
    I am thankful nothing untoward has happened to you. I understand and respect your decision and pray you will in time feel the strength to continue with your blogging and other ventures.
    God bless and comfort you.
    Love Carol

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Hello again Jacqueline,
    When you feel able to bear it, or if you think your mud-wallowing sessions are going on for too long, if you have some comedy DVDs you can watch, this might help. Laughter can be an effective medicine and I find watching a few episodes of Friends work for me whenever I can’t seem to lift myself from a cycle of despair and depression.
    Hugs and best wishes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you dearest Rashmi. Coincidentally you’ve been on my mind lately. It’s good to have friends like you by my side even if I don’t see you physically. Warm hugs. I’m in a better place with my mind πŸ™‚

      Like

  13. Hey Jacq not usually obne for self promotion lol, but I wonder if you could help? I am officially in the running for the UK BLOG AWARDS 2017! Exciting stuff!! Could you help spread the word? NOW is the time to have your SAY and if you like what you see VOTE for ME! Click the first option on the drop down menu: FoodandDrink& Lifestyle. Here is the link:
    http://blogawardsuk.co.uk/ukba2017/entries/forkwardthinkingfoodinista
    Thank you kindly in advance your vote is much appreciatedπŸ™‚ xoxo Btw…I have recently done a blog post too, so feel free to re-blog share…in fact anything I need Votes!πŸ™‚ xx

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I don’t get posts from you in my readers any more. Not sure what is happening to WP. Including you, I am missing five people’s post that I follow. Maybe missing more that I am not aware of. Not sure what’s going on.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Withwhat you have written, I now believe that we all need someone to lift us up once in a while. May Godsend you that angel to restore that smile to your face, sanity to your mind and peace to your entire being.

    Like

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