Scary · The Daily Post

Caught In A Vicious Cycle…

jacquelineobyikocha

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when she’s set free
she still can’t fly

‘cos she has lost
the sense of her wings

his intriguing web of toxic deceit
is far too captivating.

When I saw the prompt,  a ‘lost friend’  came to my mind. She lives in an abusive marriage ‘physical, verbal and mental.’ Every attempt made to help her has never worked out because, for some reason, she simply loves that toxic relationship and keeps finding her way back to more beatings and abuse. I silently wonder what it is that keeps anyone in such a harmful relationship.

I hope that one day she’ll wake up to the truth and walk away before she and the children are damaged beyond repair. In my opinion, her young children have already been far too exposed to the ugliness and it shows in their constant acting out – the 6-year-old son is constantly hitting his younger sisters and getting into fights in school.

Two nights ago she called me and we chatted in whispers ‘she was hiding in the bathroom,’ to escape his berating, hoping that it will subside. I told her to call the police if it gets bad, but I’m done with getting involved and trying to talk some sense into her or to whisk her away to safety only for her to go crawling back to him within hours. It has become a vicious cycle and I’m weary of such nonsense. Short of cutting off our friendship, I can only lend a listening ear, but I have run out of advice for someone who refuses to hear them. For every possible solution that I proffer, she has more problems to counter them.

Published by jacquelineobyikocha

A wordsmith with a vivid imagination, an eager mind and a burning desire to carve out tales. As I journey with my muse to that land of all possibilities and self discovery, I hope my personal evolution will serve as a beacon of inspiration for anyone who chooses to stop by.

35 thoughts on “Caught In A Vicious Cycle…”

  1. Wow I have a friend like this. I’ve had to be more silent with them because they actually will suck the life out of you if you let them. I always go over my list of things I want to make sure I know I’m told them and then I give the rest to God. It is a vicious cycle of which I think they won’t get off or stop till part of the cycle changes, hopefully my being more silent will make a difference. Hugs to you 🤗🙋🏼‍♀️💕

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    1. Indeed, they suck up all the life and energy from those around them. I think I’m going to do what you did and have a checklist of things I think she should know and make sure I let her know before I switch off. I guess she will come to her senses when she wants to do so.

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      1. Yes that’s true. I also think it limits the stress you feel in wish they would get it. It’s worth a try for your own heart’s peace of mind 🙏🏼💕 we need that so much to be more affective in our own lives I feel 🙏🏼have a gentle day

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  2. So sad. Some people want to be loved and accepted so much they lose all perspective of what love really is. It’s hard for me to relate to those in this situation so I pray a lot. ❤️

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      1. Yes but reporting is best for the safety of the children. You never know when that man will snap and kill all of them. Domestic violence and murder happen every day. Those kids must be living in fear and terror.

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  4. I don’t “like” that such things happen, of course, but silence and ignoring it will never stop it. Long ago I reported domestic violence to DCFS for a friend in a similar situation. I never saw her again. Even so, I could not keep her secret at the expense of her life or her children’s lives.

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      1. I was a similar victim once until dear Erin took strong action that I did not appreciate at the time. She said to me, “Sometimes we must be mean to be good friends.” I haven’t heard from the former or about her or the children since. I like to think she found her way to a peaceful happy life and she’ll tell me all about it in heaven.

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  8. The best thing you can do is listen. People always know what they are going to do and if advice is given contrary to that it will not be taken. Often though just listening will allow the person to work through the problem and come to their own decision to alter their direction. Often with toxic relationships the fear of the without is far greater than the fear that is within the relationship. If the children are in danger you should report it. I feel for you as a friend who wants the best for her friend – it is hard sitting back and watching.

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    2. It’s truly hard to sit back and watch the mess. I’ve contemplated making a report about the children but felt it was betraying her, now I realize that they are in far more danger living under such conditions. I hope that soon she will find the courage to do the right thing if not for herself, for her childrens’ sake.

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  9. I have been in an abusive relationship and simply had to hit a point where I was able to make a plan to leave and carry it out. At that point I called my best friend for tips on how to get us on public aid etc so that we could leave.
    It is very difficult to leave an abuser

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  10. This is so unfortunate, Jacqueline. I had a co-worker that was in this situation, and she kept going back to her abusive husband. In this case, I feel you’ve done what you can do as a friend. We can’t help those who won’t help themselves.

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  14. I’m not surprised what you’ve mentioned concerning not listening, and going back to the abuser. When it comes to things like this the abused person will not listen to anyone, they have Stockholm fever, and if they leaver the abuser then end up finding another person who treats them the same way.
    She is already damaged. Don’t waste your time unless she really wants to get away…..at some point she is going to come to the realization that she has to leave

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  15. Pain is familiar and the idea of moving without it is too big a risk. She won’t be ready until she is ready. Just pray she isn’t dead first. I was that woman and it took me 12 years to leave for good. That was 25 years ago.

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