Stream of Consciousness Saturday.

I Am Not Fine! Stream of Consciousness Saturday

jacquelineobyikocha

Fine. What does it really mean to be fine? Can I truly from the depth of my spirit say that I’m fine? Or is it just a superficial response to ‘how are you,’ so that I don’t make anyone feel discomfited by my true response which I suppose would be ‘heck no, I feel all raggedy and angry a lot lately.’

I wouldn’t even know where to start with my venting but here goes ‘ I’m not fine with the fact that my body does not want to age like fine wine.’ I have deep aches and pains from Fibromyalgia that not only causes discomfort but makes me grumpy a lot of times when the pain flares up.

I’m not fine with the fact that at this juncture in life I’m still struggling hard to get my dream of being an accomplished writer and blogger kick-started.

I’m not fine that the basic needs of life are still a huge hustle and that if I don’t work as hard as I do, I would probably be one pay cheque to destitution.

I’m not fine with the fact that I want to go back to school to obtain a degree in Writing & Publishing but that aspiration is still a pipe dream due to lack of finance.

I’m not fine that I’m grumbly and I feel ashamed at the deep-seated feeling of dissatisfaction that has found its way to wedge in my soul in recent times.

I’m not fine with the status quo and not prepared to keep quiet about it. I believe that to find a solution to a situation, you’ve got to be willing to bring it out into the open air and look at it candidly. Phew! I feel better just letting some of these thoughts out.

La di la, in all honesty, life is a struggle and not fine and dandy for many of us but it’s up to us to take a good look at our issues and to make extra efforts to live a fine life.

SoCS prompt – Fine

Published by jacquelineobyikocha

A wordsmith with a vivid imagination, an eager mind and a burning desire to carve out tales. As I journey with my muse to that land of all possibilities and self discovery, I hope my personal evolution will serve as a beacon of inspiration for anyone who chooses to stop by.

42 thoughts on “I Am Not Fine! Stream of Consciousness Saturday”

  1. John 16:33 “in this world you will have trouble but take heart because I have overcome the world…” Sorry, Dear, but I don’t know anyone without trouble. You have the tools, talent, and wisdom to hack back at some of the things that trouble you. And you have determination to be a winner through the grace and guidance of the Lord. You know, I think he is the only way to have peace in this world of trouble. Love to you, dear Jacque. You have been an encouragement to me. Thanks.

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    1. Thank you so much dear Oneta for your kind words of encouragement. Indeed there’s no one out there without troubles but equipping ourselves with the right tools and wisdom to hack through them is the most important aspect. Indeed, each day, His Grace is sufficient for me.

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  2. I understand completely. I’m fighting the effects of aging and disease every day.
    It would be nice if I could live off my artwork, Photography and writing but that wouldn’t be realistic. There always seem to be delays in the fulfillment of dreams.
    But I know despite the fact that I want to retire this year but due to finances that won’t be possible.
    For obvious reasons I don’t want to become homeless people living on the streets and in subways.
    Just covered by a cardboard box.
    So basically I leave my passions for the weekend.
    And of course my brother Stephen comes before my wants, needs and desires.
    One has to prioritize.

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  3. I’m sorry to hear about the Fibromyalgia Jacqueline, It’s an insidious illness. I guess that there either isn’t an evening college course to help you or it’s one you have to pay for. Is the degree important or just the course as there are many good books on the subject these days. Maybe an online course from something like the Open University would be cheaper and easier to work around your job. Talking of which, I don’t know what you do or how long you’ve worked for them but it doesn’t sound as though you have much left each month. I hope you’re working towards a pension upon retirement or maybe you’re with the wrong firm.
    I hope you find something that helps you kick start your new career as a writer.
    xxx Massive Hugs xxx

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    1. Thank you, dear David, for your kind words of encouragement. Fibromyalgia is an annoying illness. Over here going there are no such luxuries like evening college course and everything is simply too pricey. I’m taking a serious look at either enrolling online or working towards going back to school sometime next year ‘all things being equal.’ Right now I do a lot of part-time jobs: administrative work, events coordination and hostessing chauffering ladies who need private car lift in the evenings or weekends, home tutoring for students (English & French) etc.. whilst looking for something more stable.

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  4. My SiStar the frustration is real but I try not to dwell too much on what I can’t do or don’t have. It’s highly unlikely that I will become rich and wealthy anytime soon.
    I turned 59 years old on February 27th. I deal with reality every day but I continue to pursue photography, writing and painting for the pure joy of creativity. Fortunately my artwork will be featured in the Union Art Show on March 11th. So that’s some progress.

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  11. I appreciate your honesty and hope you find a way to get back into school. Maybe there are scholarships? I’ve been dealing with more mysterious all over body aches lately, and have often wondered about fibromyalgia. So far my tests have come back normal, yet I’m not fine. Gentle stretches seem to help. I wish you more good days ahead and dreams coming true.

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    1. Thank you, dear JoAnna, for your kind words. I’m working my way towards going back to school. The dream may tarry but surely arrive someday soon. I’ve found exercises very helpful for my Fibromyalgia battle. Nothing too exerting.

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  12. This is what I love about you, Jacqueline, you are sincere and straightforward. I’m not always fine either but I’m determined not to let it get the best of me. As my mother used to say “rise up above it!”. You are an extremely talented wordsmith and well-respected as a blogger. You are a beautiful woman with a beautiful soul and don’t ever give up on your dreams. xo

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  13. It is good to tell it like it is and then you can take steps to make things more in line with what you want. We do slow down some as we get older and if there are physical issues. I am come to believe that it is good to slow down and look at life instead of rushing around and through it.

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  14. Nne there fine and unfine” days. I guess life is not always as we wish it to be. I struggle too with somethings in my life but I am learning to be grateful for what I have that others wish to have. Breath dear… Just trust Him, take one day at a time and seriously enjoy your life anyhow o… After all na only one we get. It is well. 😁 Hugs & Kisses

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    1. Life certainly twists us around and most times not as we would wish but His grace is sufficient and gratitude takes us far. Thank you, sis for your words of encouragement. Indeed, it is well ((hugs))

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  16. Oh dear Jacqueline, I used to think you had it all together. I forget many times that you are human, you will scale through this I know.
    I love you, don’t try to overstretch yourself. One day at a time.

    Take care.

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  18. I’m a firm believer that internal frustration is created to push you in the direction you need to go. It signals impending change, depending on whether you listen to it or fight it. Sounds like you are listening:)

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  19. I love your brutal truth. Your pain, dreams, longings and simultaneous brilliance in all that you are and all that you do despite whatever challenges you face, are fine with me. Praying for a blessing to rain on you soon Jaqueline. ❤️

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  20. Jacqueline, I am so glad you wrote this because this IS a place you can tell the full truth, happy, sad, angry, frustrated or whatever it may be. You don’t have to hold back, lie, or exaggerate in your writing. It’s important to find people, places, and means to feel totally free.

    It’s true that “fine” and “OK” are the expected responses in so many cases. Even saying you’re “GREAT” is sometimes more than some people want to hear. So we just spout out the accepted where it’s expected and make sure we’ve got the time to be our true selves elsewhere. For me, I have my friends in support groups, the very closest people in my life, my writing, and my dance.

    I feel your frustration about limitations. I’m on disability for my mental illness and that has affected my life in so many ways. But I try not to grieve the loss or challenges of everything, because not everything is lost or challenging. I focus on one thing at a time and put my heart into it. I have to be patient and persistent. As I make headway, I celebrate each interim accomplishment.

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    1. Your words are simply uplifting. We should never lie to ourselves about how we feel and indeed we all need supportive friends to hold us up now and again. Thankfully, the blogging community feels like great friends and I tap into the inspiration and wisdom of those I meet here. Like you rightly said, we focus on one thing at a time and put our hearts into it every step of the way. Thank you 🙂

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I love it when you decorate my heart with your words..