Sharp contrasting thoughts muddle my mind with sheer self-castigation as I look at the year dwindling to an end and find myself counting the things that I had mentally set out to achieve for myself but find that I fall far short of my own expectations. I started out the year on such a highly motivated note but I guess that I am suffering from battered emotions syndrome. Some are self-induced, while life brought it’s own baggage along. I am seized with the desire to do absolutely nothing almost to the point of it getting scary.
Sharing my thoughts might help to crank up my gears and pull me out of wallowing in shallow thoughts and sheer laziness. I have an attitude that believes in pulling myself out of depressive moods, but for reasons that I can’t put my fingers on, I simply wish to burrow down, dig the hole deeper and just roll in the muddy waters of woe-is-me.
Self-pity has never been my thing otherwise, I would never have survived some of the hard balls life had tossed my way. I find that despair and depression are twins and that most times it’s far easier to give in to the whiny pair than to get up and fight. I find that as a highly motivated, driven person that the bar I set for myself is usually high and that whenever I fall short of these expectations, I feel the burn.
I’m trying to step back and take all the necessary thoughts into account without clouding my mind with any unnecessary feel good feelings or numbing myself with so much work that I’m too tired to think. That is why I deliberately chose not to blog for some days.
Sometimes we have to go through the motions and not bury our emotions otherwise, they will simply fester and actually grow bigger. I’m not making excuses for falling off the wagon and failing to achieve the short goals that I set for myself, I am not making excuses for depression that hits me at times with visceral pain and trying to wave it away with a wand.
I will not try to shake off these Debbie Downer feelings and cut short my low moments because they will simply hibernate and possibly drag their sorry ass selves into my next year. No! I can’t have that.
I am sitting here in my raggedy PJ’s and floppy rabbit slippers, with a carving knife in the shape of a pen. I’m going to cut myself to pieces, bleed, cry into a box of tissues, eat chocolate, drink stale wine, eat chocolates again, watch a soppy MGM movie, cry some more again, cut myself some more until my nose gets bulbous and my eyes are swollen shut from crying tears that cause my shoulders to shake.
I’m not going to look pretty, but I can bet your bottom dollar that I am going to feel marvellous after all the shakeup. Then I’ll patch up the pieces that I shredded.
P.S. Please excuse me for not visiting for a while. My door is shut while I’m going through some drama. I’ll be back shortly.
Yours,
Jacqueline
Please try to remember that there are many people in the world who happily criticize others. Don’t join them by criticizing yourself. Love yourself. Give the job of critic to others.
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I totally agree with you, Bernadette! Jacqueline you’re are too beautiful a person to indulge in self-criticism.
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Thank you dear Etta. I totally agree with leaving the self-criticism for others. I’ve done enough dissection and gained better clarity from the lessons. I appreciate your words. ((Hugs))
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I am blessed with such wise friends and I appreciate your advice. Thank you very much Bernadette. I feel so much better now.
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Take care of yourself dear Jackie.
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Thank you dear Miriam. ((Hugs))
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Once you’ve done enough wallowing, you’ll come up for air 🙂 and feel the better for it. The dark nights of the soul come to teach us something important we need to learn. Honour it, respect it, take it apart and choose that which is yours. Grow from it and become stronger. And re-emerge as the beautiful butterfly that you are xxx
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Thank you my dear Raili. You are so gracious with your wisdom. I am much better 🙂
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Welcome back, Jacquie, and so good to know that you are feeling better 🙂
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🙂 Thank you. I enjoyed the Aussie Christmas Carol.
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WOW! powerful Jackie!
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Republicou isso em O LADO ESCURO DA LUA.
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Please take care!
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Thank you Rosemary 🙂
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I wish I could say that I don’t understand what you describe here, Jacqueline. Sadly, I believe we all have been in that place. Honor it. It is meant to teach. You will come out of it a wiser, more fulfilled human being. We are here for you. With love and respect, Van. 💘
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You are such a wise one Van. Yes indeed acknowledging, honouring and learning from being in such place is the only way that I could get to grips and grow out of it. Thank you my dear one ((hugs))
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Nice to “see” you, J. Stay strong. 💘
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Sometimes i find this time of year when days turns to nite a bit to quick and it is cold.. and the feeling the year is over… brings those debbie downer thoughts to almost everyone..and it is in the air and its contagious. And sometime one jyst has to be abit down and sometimes we are falling ill.. but debbie downers get boring very quickly ..so you will be back stronger and better..
This too shall pass revealing a new improved you….
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It’s already passing. Times like this show us our vulnerability as humans and serves to teach us a lot. I’m thankful for the grace to pull through at such struggling times and for friends that I’ve made here. The support is invaluable. Thank you so much and lots of love.
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I was feeling the very same thing just a few days back. Sometimes, the insecure, vulnerable part of us gets the better of us but it is okay to not be okay. Every once in a while, the universe reminds us that we’re human. You know, even the graph of our heart beat is a set of zig-zag lines. Everything will fall in place. There is a lot of hope within you and in this world. Just hold on!
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Thank you my dear one. Your words are so full of wisdom and it’s so true 🙂
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So many times, the pen has been my answer. I pray your pen guides you out and upward. God bless, Jacqueline! And I do thank you for sharing what is so hard to share.
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Thank you dear Pamela. It can be hard sometimes but I’ve learnt that purging these thoughts and dealing with them with the Grace of God is the best way for me. I feel much better now. My regards 🙂
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Glad to hear it!
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I’ll be watching for the door to crack open. You’ll stick your head out and say “peek-a-boo.” Then we all rejoice together. Until you are ready keep your head in, take care of your younguns, stay in touch with the All Mighty, and take a good long nap. We will wait.
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Sweet Oneta, thank you sister. I appreciate your kind words and I do feel better. His Grace is sufficient.
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Least lazy blogger dear neighbor you have accomplished much! Applause from me in U S A 😁 take care
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Thank you dear SarahC. I miss you 🙂
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Hang in there. Take time for yourself and remember This too Shall Pass.
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Thank you sis. Feeling much better right now. Needed to get it together.
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I will be waiting for your return because you are missed! Awww Jackie, it’s all a part of life, something we all have to go through, and I know you that you are capable of handling moments like these.
You are in our thoughts…just remember that.
Love always,
Dehan
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Dear sis, thank you for your kind words. I feel better and stronger and I sincerely appreciate your concern, thoughts and prayers. ((Love and hugs ))
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Good, thank God!
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I think I understand. Take good care. (((((hugs))))) in case needed. Keep door closed as long as needed — we will wait.
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Thank you dear Lorraine. I appreciate 🙂
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❤ ❤ to you, Jackie!
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Thank you 🙂
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🙂
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Jacqueline, we all go through tough challenges. I get the impression you are a strong and level-headed woman. So kick the doldrums in the arse and remember how beautiful are. As my mother used to say “rise up above it”.
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Thank you dear Eugenia. Your mothers advice is priceless and I’m better right now. Hugs
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😉
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I know what you’re going through, Jacqueline, because you’ve described me to a tee. Hang in there, my dear. I’m sincerely glad you pulled it together to write a SoCS post. I hope you got some satisfaction from it.
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Dear Linda, thank you so much for your concern. It can be tough sometimes but I believe that taking the time to deal with such issues has offered me enormous advantages to clear my head and gain more clarity. I feel much better, thank you and do take care of yourself. SoCS is a blessing 🙂
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Hi I’m new to the blogging life and was wondering if wondering if you could read my work and offer any criticism and follow me I’d appreciate it as i am interested in literature and spoken word and lack a bit of confidence Thank you for your time and have a nice day
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Oh Jacqui, I hope you are ok. I have had a similar experience recently so can understand how you are feeling.
We are none of us machines and it is not possible to keep going at such a fast pace without ending up crashing.
Please take care of you and I hope you are back with us soon xxx
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Dear Jacqueline,
It just occurred to me I had not seen any recent posts from you and I felt alarmed cos I know this is not like you, so I scrolled back to find this post.
I am thankful nothing untoward has happened to you. I understand and respect your decision and pray you will in time feel the strength to continue with your blogging and other ventures.
God bless and comfort you.
Love Carol
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Hello again Jacqueline,
When you feel able to bear it, or if you think your mud-wallowing sessions are going on for too long, if you have some comedy DVDs you can watch, this might help. Laughter can be an effective medicine and I find watching a few episodes of Friends work for me whenever I can’t seem to lift myself from a cycle of despair and depression.
Hugs and best wishes.
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You are such a sweetheart LadyCee. I love comedy and have been watching quite a number of skits. Thank you dear and hugs 🙂
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I am so glad to hear from you and see your lovely smiling face. Cyber hugs coming right back at you. 💖💖😃
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🙂
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I have been in a similar place for the past few weeks and can understand what you mean. Please take care of yourself and take some time to slow down and relax. Meanwhile, we are here praying for you.
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Thank you dearest Rashmi. Coincidentally you’ve been on my mind lately. It’s good to have friends like you by my side even if I don’t see you physically. Warm hugs. I’m in a better place with my mind 🙂
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Thinking of you and missing you, Jacqueline. I hope you are listening to your heart and taking some time to yourself. ❤
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Yes my dear friend. Thank you so much for checking in on me. I feel more peace within and I appreciate the time that I took to clear my head. Blessings and I missed you too 🙂
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Hey Jacq not usually obne for self promotion lol, but I wonder if you could help? I am officially in the running for the UK BLOG AWARDS 2017! Exciting stuff!! Could you help spread the word? NOW is the time to have your SAY and if you like what you see VOTE for ME! Click the first option on the drop down menu: FoodandDrink& Lifestyle. Here is the link:
http://blogawardsuk.co.uk/ukba2017/entries/forkwardthinkingfoodinista
Thank you kindly in advance your vote is much appreciated🙂 xoxo Btw…I have recently done a blog post too, so feel free to re-blog share…in fact anything I need Votes!🙂 xx
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So sorry that I’m just seeing this comment. I hope it’s not too late to vote and share. I’ve been offline for some days now.
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Hey Jacq, no need to apologise. You can still vote and share…much appreciated 🙂 xxx
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I don’t get posts from you in my readers any more. Not sure what is happening to WP. Including you, I am missing five people’s post that I follow. Maybe missing more that I am not aware of. Not sure what’s going on.
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Hello Pranab, I actually took a leave from blogging for some days. I needed to clear my head a bit and review things. I’m all good 🙂
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Good to hear that.
We all need to check from time to time if there is something left on the top there😊
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Take it easy on yourself, Jacqueline. I pray you find light and peace within. Light and love to you dear.
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Thank you dear Pamela. Actually feeling much better right now.
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Glad to hear you’re feeling better, and you’re welcome.
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Withwhat you have written, I now believe that we all need someone to lift us up once in a while. May Godsend you that angel to restore that smile to your face, sanity to your mind and peace to your entire being.
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